Kyo

Childfree - A Discussion

70 posts in this topic

So I've been chatting about this recently with a few friends IRL and I thought I'd carry it over to the forums. 

 

For those that aren't aware Childfree is basically exactly what it sounds like. It's the decision not to have children. I'm pretty curious about people's opinions on this subject as I've encountered a lot of different perspectives in the past. I myself decided to be childfree. For the most part I don't think anybody has fought me on that decision (why the hell would they?) but I have encountered a few people who have been unintentionally a little offensive. 

 

The most common response I get to saying I'm childfree is for someone to say "Oh, you'll change your mind. You're just young." 

 

On the surface I don't take this as a deliberate insult but an unintentional one. People who say that are normally trying to be nice in their own way. I don't think people realise that they are actually implying that I'm somehow too young or naive to make such a decision. Now I'm 24 years old, i'm still young and I'm pretty certain I have a lot more learning to do. All the same I think I've been on this planet long enough to make this kind of decision. Regardless, it's an easy decision to change. If I did change my mind all that means is I start actively attempting to make a baby. It's not something I feel is ever going to happen, but my point is a lot of people seem to think that it will. That wanting children is inevitable somehow. 

 

Some issues to pop up with this. The big one being that there's no way to 100% stop yourself from having children short of celibacy or castration. There is always a risk of falling pregnant, or getting someone pregnant. This kind of situation can be pretty tricky in many different ways and mostly depends on the parties responsible. A lot of people seem hesitant of the topic of abortion. I grant you it's not a pleasant thing to think about. I'm not a believer that a barely formed fetus is a living person, so, I'm pro-choice in that respect.

 

Still there are other risks. What if you don't realise until it's too late? It happens. I think ultimately this is the point where you have to take responsibility for your actions. Your options are suck it up and be a parent or have the kid adopted. Again I've noticed adoption seems to be frowned upon, and I can understand where that view comes from. However I have had the unfortunate experience of seeing children grow up up with a parent or parents that didn't really want them. Sure you may love the little thing, after all it's your kid, even if you're a cold hearted person i'm sure on some biological level you'd feel a desire to nurture it. Still I think kids pick up on resentment. Love it all you might, if you never wanted one you won't be able to help thinking about how this child basically fucked up your life. I'm all for owning your mistakes, taking responsibility. However consider that taking the responsibility of raising an unwanted child can ultimately provide it with an unhappy life. Children are pretty good at picking up on resentment from their parents. I've seen it.

 

I could talk about this a lot more but for now I'm ready to hear someone else's take on it. I appreciate to some this may be a touchy subject. If you find this uncomfortable then by all means stay out of the topic. Also I'm not endorsing this to you guys, at least not intentionally, I'm just giving my own opinion on it. I'd love to see what you guys have to say.  

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, i'm 26 now, and i've always wanted children, to one degree or another. I never had a good father growing up, I didn't get treated very well, let's just leave it at that, and I always felt that I would be a good father, and wanted to provide that for some little fella. It would be cool to see a little 'me' walking around, but equally, I wouldn't love an adopted child any less. But, as i've said, i'm 26 now, and i'm not seeing any women at the moment, and I dont plan to in the near future, nothing serious anyway, and i've never been a fan of older parents. To me, its like, I know life has a way of throwing curve balls, but i'd much rather my parents had had me when they were younger so that i'd have my mum around for that much longer. lol

 

But uh, aye, I don't really seek children, but equally, i'm not really stopping myself or thinking "I wont do this". I dont mind how people go about children, to have them or not. I agree, for me, though i'm a spiritual person and I really value life and put a great deal of emphasis on the importance of it, I just dont think that a collection of cells (no offence) can be considered a living, thinking creature, any more than an amoeba could be. We all start out as squashy collections of blueprints, and its a tragedy when something goes wrong when you want it to happen, but equally, if you want to end it, prior to it gaining that level of actual thought and sensation, etc. then you shouldn't be stopped. Pro-choice, definitely. 

Uhm, I don't know, really. I'm young, but I also feel like i've grown a lot in the last 5 years, if I met a woman I really loved, I would be up for having children, i'd want to provide for them and love them in a way that I only experienced from my mother. I dunno, maybe i'll have more to say the more that other people comment or comment on what i've said, but for now thats all I can think. I hope I dont offend anyone though, whether you do or dont, or will or wont - it should be up to the individual. You have no right to press your beliefs on others, just because you feel its 'right'.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the whole "You're still young you'll change your mind" is exactly what it sounds like, I wouldn't take it personally. The reality is that a lot of people do change their minds. In my own experience, I have had several friends who were down right vicious about never having children and then they got into their mid twenties and changed their minds. What's more, what I've noticed is men usually take longer to decide to have children. I'm not saying you ever will, it is not my intention to suggest you are to young to make that decision, just that there are other things occupying your mind that don't include a poopy diaper. 

 

For me personally, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I want children, I always have, it has always been a staple in my mind that one day I would have children. For a long time I considered adopting all of my children just because I wanted to help remove some children from the system. My boyfriend is really set on having his own though, so we'll see. It doesn't matter to me though, I will love a child as my own regardless of if they are blood or not. 

 

My best friend has changed her mind at least three times. A lot of females struggle with the idea that they will be bad parents and so talk like they don't want them. I know this because I've openly seen them tell people they don't want kids, only to turn to me and whisper their fears. 

 

Kids are a big thing, they're a lot of work, money, sweat, and tears, thus it has to be a personal decision on having them or not. I wish more people would really weigh the pros and cons of it and maybe we'd have less young parents that are still kids themselves. Everyone will reach that maturity at a different time. Not saying that I'm there, babies scare the hell out of me. At the same time I don't think anyone can ever really be "ready" either.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, I've never really wanted to have children. It takes away too much freedoms (I saw this with my parents when I was growing up), also it costs way to much to take care of one. I've heard the "You're too young" statement one too many times and I think as a 23 year old that I can decide whether I want to or not. But, I don't hate children, it's good to see the young 'uns grow up and have their own kids, it's just that I won't have mine.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No offence taken. I'm only certain in the sense that I went the opposite way. I wanted kids since I was about 17-18 years old. It took a few years of evaluation to reach this conclusion. I realised that I wanted to be a parent because I think I'd be a good one. I reckon I'd be an awesome dad. However that's not a reason to have a kid if you ask me. I want to travel, I want to have as much freedom as possible socially, financially and just in general. Kids are a heavy burden. Moms and dads have it tough, it's no picnic. 

 

Also I agree with Zelios, I don't hate kids by any means. Of course I hate some kids! However in those cases I mostly dislike the parents rather than the child. The thing about kids is that they can be super fun. I'd happily be an uncle. So I can have a kid, enjoy my time with it, teach it some life lessons, and then when the little shit acts up I can hand it back to mommy and daddy and be on my merry way. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As I'm listening to the little girl downstairs running around and screaming and stomping and slamming doors... I'm just reminded how much I don't want children.

 

And honestly, I don't even really like them either. Especially babies. I don't like babies.

 

There. I said it.

 

I have a lot of the same fears as everybody else. I'm afraid to be a bad parent (and I really think I would be), and I'm also dreadfully selfish. It's cool that people want to spend their lives raising and dedicating themselves to their offspring, but I'm going to steal everything out of Kyo's mouth on this one... There's too much I want to see. There's so much traveling, and life, and adventures to be had that I want to share with myself and my friends and my spouse. I don't need a child or children to do that. I'd prefer not to. The expense and the time just doesn't seem as fulfuling as me going out and being me

 

If for some reason I do change my mind (I have never once ever thought I wanted children, and I'm 26 now), then I guess that's cool. But I'd probably try to adopt. Again, I'm selfish and I know my limits. I'd skip the baby stage and go right into helping a child that's already in need--not farting one out of my vagina. No thanks. 

 

... I'm very crass on this subject, and probably not as understanding as I should be. I just don't understand the maternal need to have children, especially when there are so many other human beings out there that need help. It really is just as selfish as me saying that I'm selfish because I want to spend money and time on myself instead.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not a fan of children myself. The only good child is one that has been raised like, 'perfectly'. I don't think in this day and age, when people want to keep their freedoms and the world is becoming over populated, the older generation think that people among our age range are being selfish by saying we don't want to have children. 'But' that might also be because they're religious and they think if you're with someone, you're going to do 'God's work' and procreate.

 

Unless I know for a fact that I'll have the money to sustain myself, whoever I'm going to be with, and 'one child', then I'm not going to have children 'anytime' in the next 20 years.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm childfree.

 

I think this is more of an issue that's particularly vocal among women, since they're under tons of pressure to pop out babies left and right, while men can usually get away with not wanting children. But I've been in a number of CF communities and it's pretty even among men and women.

 

The last thing anyone should ever, ever, EVER say to a CF person is that whole "you'll change your mind" BS. I am so tired of hearing it. I heard it when I was fifteen. I heard it when I was eighteen. I heard it when I was twenty-one. I still hear it at twenty-six but -gasp- a lot less. Surprisingly enough, I think people are actually getting the fucking picture. I'm not just "afraid" I'll be a bad parent—I would be and I give not a single ounce of piss about that. I'm not "too occupied" with my life at the moment, waiting for my thirties when I'm bored and lonely and need a human pet to keep me amused.

 

I don't want them. Never have. Period. I have never once wavered in my decision.

 

Also, the reason I will absolutely take this statement personally is because my reproductive choices are no one else's goddamn business any more than it's your business why someone can't have a baby for whatever reason. "You'll change your mind" always goes hand in hand with being shamed for not doing something that everyone else sees fit for you do do with your body. I don't care if you want to have babies; it's your choice. But don't try and push your choices on me and my body. "You'll change your mind." Screw off! It's a pernicious statement and it needs to die a cold, ugly death.

 

In my personal experience, most CFers do not change their minds. Not saying this doesn't happen or it makes someone a "fake" CFer but you should believe a person if they tell you this and identify as childfree, rather than straight-out assuming that person is just full of shit and has a secret desire to start decorating a nursery.

 

I don't like babies. I don't like children much either. I get along okay with my nieces and nephews but I would never babysit them. Just witnessing all the shit my brother goes through with my infant niece and toddler nephew more than affirms something I was already 200% sure about. I love my brother and SIL but every time they complain about baby-related problems, I can't really sympathize at all. I'm just sitting here thinking, You did this to yourself.

 

Anyway, gonna stop here for now because this is something that makes me kind of vehemently emotional thanks to all the stupid shit people have said to me concerning the subject.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Occasionally, life experiences lead me to consider raising a child as a civil service towards intelligent thinking... But the reality is the same: I don't like children, I don't want children, and I would not be a good parent. I have also heard the bullshit of how it's a fear everyone has and that I'll change my mind.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Didn't realise there was this many CFs here. It's not something I've ever wondered about you guys. "Hmm hey I wonder if ack wants a baby?" Has never crossed my mind. Interesting to read about though.

Miel you remind me of my girlfriend on this matter. She has much less patience for other peoples insensitivity and ignorance, where as I am more inclined to suffer those fools. Kinda handy because we balance each other out in that respect. I understand your frustration though. I don't let it bother me with ransoms and acquaintances, however, there was a time where a close friend who I told about my decision basically said I was an idiot and belittled the whole thing. I had a pretty heated argument with him but in the end, after I explained myself properly, and how this wasn't just a "snap decision" like he had assumed, he did see my point and apologise. Still I guess I didn't expect such a response from someone close to me so it really pissed me off at the time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've luckily haven't had any heated discussions about my decisions, and the two relationships I've been in, we've both been on the same page about the subject. I have gotten the "you'll change your mind" a few times, but I just kind of dust it off and move on. The one I get more is "shit happens", which is true and is the most likely situation of it ever happening... But I'm so against the idea of having children, I'm extra careful. 8[

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm pretty much certain about getting a vasectomy. Now I'm just trying to psych myself up for it. From what I gather its a fairly simple procedure but still...my balls T____T

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Quite honestly I go back and forth. Most of the times though I do not want children My reasons though for feeling this way stem from how I have grown up. I come from a divorced family where the father wanted nothing to do with either me or my sister. As you can tell this put quite a strain on my mother to the point of working multiple jobs to make ends me and therefore most of the responsibilities of caring for my younger sister fell on me. I feel like I have practically raised my sister since she was 5 and she's 16 now so I don't look forward to really doing it again. I still sign all the papers and attend the parent teacher meetings. And then on top of all that I volunteer at the church I go to and handle the elementary school kids for a week. And I want to be a teacher too, children will be everywhere around me. I feel that when I get my life sorted out I look forward to having time away from children.

 

As for what I've heard I've heard that children just happen just you wait or the wonderful if your getting married of course your having kids otherwise its not a true marriage. Another reason for not wanting kids though is also because I have heard somewhere, it's probably false, that those with Mitral valve prolapse have difficulties bearing children so I've sort of sub conscientiously  braced for that as well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm pretty much certain about getting a vasectomy. Now I'm just trying to psych myself up for it. From what I gather its a fairly simple procedure but still...my balls T____T

 

... Will still be there, just fine. haha.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Quite honestly I go back and forth. Most of the times though I do not want children My reasons though for feeling this way stem from how I have grown up. I come from a divorced family where the father wanted nothing to do with either me or my sister. As you can tell this put quite a strain on my mother to the point of working multiple jobs to make ends me and therefore most of the responsibilities of caring for my younger sister fell on me. I feel like I have practically raised my sister since she was 5 and she's 16 now so I don't look forward to really doing it again. I still sign all the papers and attend the parent teacher meetings. And then on top of all that I volunteer at the church I go to and handle the elementary school kids for a week. And I want to be a teacher too, children will be everywhere around me. I feel that when I get my life sorted out I look forward to having time away from children.

 

As for what I've heard I've heard that children just happen just you wait or the wonderful if your getting married of course your having kids otherwise its not a true marriage. Another reason for not wanting kids though is also because I have heard somewhere, it's probably false, that those with Mitral valve prolapse have difficulties bearing children so I've sort of sub conscientiously  braced for that as well.

 

I had to look up mitral valve prolapse... Do you have it?

 

I think my mom actually had fertility issues... Or something. There were a couple of miscarriages before me. :/ So that's either good news for me, or just more of an excuse to not even attempt to have children.

 

And yeah, your balls will be just fine, Kyo. You can even spew the white stuff! /sexy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Aye, and if you get it done, Martin, I think you need to get checked every now and then, cus it CAN reverse itself. But its a good choice if you know you never want kids. I think i'd say I want kids, but then, I must admit, I have my doubts and I can never make up my mind at the end of the day. I think it would take a lot to have them, in the end. I think i'm in that sort of, "I won't know until I know, if I ever know" but I dont know if i'll ever seek it out, I doubt it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

... Will still be there, just fine. haha.

Unless the doctor slips and accidentally cuts them right off. I am aware this is very irrational but I just don't like the idea of surgery in any shape or form. I'll get it done at some point within the next year though most likely.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes I do have Mitral Valve Prolapse which is really just a fancy way of saying I have a faulty heart valve. It sticks open occasionally and allows the blood to backflow. But knowing that and thinking of pregnancy concerns me. Thankfully the FH agrees with me not to have kids

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've always wanted kids, but looking at my father I've also always had this nagging feeling that I'd turn out to be a shitty dad as well. Especially when everyone tells me I remind them of him. Either way it's still a ways off before that'll happen so I have plenty of time to make up my mind.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Unless the doctor slips and accidentally cuts them right off. I am aware this is very irrational but I just don't like the idea of surgery in any shape or form. I'll get it done at some point within the next year though most likely.

 

Nah, surgery can be scary, especially if you've never had it before. Definitely make sure you feel ready for it, but also be aware that you're not losing them by doing the procedure itself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It sticks open occasionally and allows the blood to backflow.

 

 

That's just nature's stupid way of saying:

Open-heart.jpg

what a beautiful person ya are, Deidra  <3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Put it this way I feel its a much safer and easier solution for me to get a vasectomy than for my girlfriend to get the...the girl one. Whatever it's called. My dad got one after my little brother was born and he doesn't seem to have suffered any for it. I'm just a big wuss.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 than for my girlfriend to get the...the girl one. Whatever it's called. 

 

I believe the scientific term is 'pretzel'. lol.

 

But aye, its a lot better for the guy to do it, its too invasive for women as it is, so if its a choice, I think its better for the guy to go through it.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well females have their tubes tied and it is not reversible where as a vasectomy is and I think there is less recovery time

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The last thing anyone should ever, ever, EVER say to a CF person is that whole "you'll change your mind" BS. I am so tired of hearing it. I heard it when I was fifteen. I heard it when I was eighteen. I heard it when I was twenty-one. I still hear it at twenty-six but -gasp- a lot less. Surprisingly enough, I think people are actually getting the fucking picture. I'm not just "afraid" I'll be a bad parent—I would be and I give not a single ounce of piss about that. I'm not "too occupied" with my life at the moment, waiting for my thirties when I'm bored and lonely and need a human pet to keep me amused.

 

I don't want them. Never have. Period. I have never once wavered in my decision.

 

Also, the reason I will absolutely take this statement personally is because my reproductive choices are no one else's goddamn business any more than it's your business why someone can't have a baby for whatever reason. "You'll change your mind" always goes hand in hand with being shamed for not doing something that everyone else sees fit for you do do with your body. I don't care if you want to have babies; it's your choice. But don't try and push your choices on me and my body. "You'll change your mind." Screw off! It's a pernicious statement and it needs to die a cold, ugly death.

 

The reality is that a lot of people DO change their mind, so it's not like the comment holds no merit, even if it doesn't to you, and that's why you shouldn't take it personally. If you're going to talk to someone to a point where you're discussing the fact that you're childfree you take the chance that they might make this comment, you are after all discussing with them your reproductive choices. I mean unless you go up to people "Hello, I'm childfree, how are you?" Then I guess it would be odd for them to throw that at you, but it's just as odd to throw that at them. 

 

I realize it's a stereotype and it's an annoying one, but it's not like it's negative; it just doesn't seem worth getting so upset over. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   0 Members, 0 Anonymous, 7 Guests (See full list)

    There are no registered users currently online